The Ghost I Have Been Chasing...

This is the Ghost I have been chasing...and those are his angels...

I look like him they say...I can see it in my eyes...I can see it in my nose...I can see it in the car I drive and the humor I posess...I miss a man that many say I hardly knew and yet I feel like I am missing a rib or something...maybe a kidney? They say you can live without those things but that you will never feel the same...I don't feel the same and I am chasing ghosts...have you ever seen a labrynth? They look something like this...

My Uncle Arvel took that picture...he is famous...and he has been here this week and he is the tie to my ghost and there are lots and lots of unanswered questions so most of the time we sit in silence...he plays the fiddle...he is amazing...I am chasing ghosts and I have no idea where this is going and I am terrified it is all wrong...I keep waiting for the boo...he doesn't come...and I am walking that labrynth waiting for an answer...sometimes I think they are coming...they do, eventually, and when they do they are whammies...like the ones from the game show that take away all your winnings...I am not winning and I am chasing ghosts and I don't know what to do...

I am lost and scared and freaked out and angry and confused and terrified and hopeful and feeling a little as if I have left my body and my direction is gone...

(06/26/2008)

There are lots of people who think McCain is a moderate...
This is simply not the case...check out this short video...then please tell me why on earth you would vote for this man if you have a uterus... (6/17/2008)

And this is why I vote in every election and advocate for GLBTQ people...

Many of you may or may not know that I am dear friends with the Attorney General. This man who I have known for nearly 5 years is someone that I respect and look up to as a father figure. I believe that he walks with integrity and grace and that he loves me and my wife for who we are.

A few weeks ago we were at lunch and he was agonizing over a request from the religious right to file an amicus brief objecting to the California Supreme Court decision about gay marriage. He said he would not do it because he did not believe that decision was wrong. He called, emailed and texted me repeatedly trying to do what was best for me and my community. In the end he wrote a letter and he became a pariah to the uppity gays in Utah.

He called me worried that my association with him would damage my reputation. I told him I loved him and believed in him and still didn't think that he had made the wrong decision. It was better that what could have happened you see. He could have said California was wrong and gays should have no legal protections. He could have filed that brief called and said it didn't matter that my relationship is this important. He could have done a lot of things and I respect what he did. Yesterday he called me and asked how to communicate what happened to the whole community. I told him to call EU and ask to send a response to their email list explaining what he did and what happened. He had been receiving hate mail you see and he wanted people to know the truth.

I told him that our community was no better than the conservatives. I was wrong. Mark has been forwarding me emails from our community. Letters of understanding and kindness far better than the ones filled with hate. This is why I love this man. This is why I am proud to call him my friend and this is why we should all remember, judge not lest ye be judged.

Attorney General Mark Shurtleff's Response:

Dear Mike,

Thank you for the opportunity to respond to the "Statement from Equality Utah" emailed yesterday, June 4th. It would be great if you would send this response out to your email list. I appreciate the chance to clarify my actions and invite further dialogue.

Please understand that my letter to the California Supreme Court did not question, criticize or disagree with the court's ruling that the California statutory ban on gay marriage was unconstitutional. The letter did not address the merits of, or advocate for, any legal definition of marriage in California. Each State makes and unmakes its own marriage and other domestic relations laws. Further, it did not address the merits of, or advocate for or against, the proposed California ballot measure on marriage. All it did was bring to the Court's attention some genuine concerns regarding judicial processes in our states - concerns that might well have been ameliorated by the Court modifying its opinion's effective date until after the November constitutional ballot initiative.

When Massachusetts legalized same-sex marriages in 2003, couples from all over the country went to Massachusetts to get married and upon returning home, some of those unions ended up in litigation dubbed "recognition lawsuits" against the home state. Those lawsuits were limited by a Massachusetts statute that prohibits marriage in that State "by a party residing and intending to continue to reside in another jurisdiction if such marriage would be void if contracted in such other jurisdiction." California does not have a similar statute.

Media around the country has already begun reporting plans of same-sex couples to travel to California to get married. It was our concern that substantial recognition litigation will result in California's sister states. Therefore we felt it would be prudent for the California Supreme Court to stay the implementation of its recent ruling because if the ballot measure passes, it would eliminate the potential for litigation against our states on the recognition issue. If the stay is denied, and then the amendment passes in November we would still be dealing with recognition lawsuits for marriages performed between now and November. Furthermore, we did not ask for a stay - that was done by parties to he California litigation. We simply asked the court to consider granting that motion.

As you now know, the California Supreme Court denied the motion for stay and gay marriages will be allowed. If Utah couples get married in California and return to Utah and someday end up in litigation with the State of Utah over whether Utah has a constitutional duty to recognize that marriage, I will have the statutory duty to defend Utah's law and constitution and argue that it does not. Ultimately this issue will be resolved by the United States Supreme Court.

Given your past recognition and honors, I trust that you know that I understand and have a great deal of compassion and empathy for the struggles and inequities faced by same sex couples. As you are aware, I publicly opposed Amendment 3 four years ago at substantial political risk.
Throughout my course of public service I have tried very hard to be fair and just and have fought for equality and individual rights of all Utahns regardless of race, gender, religion, national origin, disability or sexual orientation.

On this 40th anniversary of the assassination of Bobby Kennedy I am reminded of, and inspired by, his words to the City Club of Cleveland on April 5, 1968, the day after the murder of MLK and two months before his own. I find them poignant, relevant and instructive today:

"When you teach a man to hate and fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color or his beliefs or the policies he pursues, when you teach that those who differ from you threaten your freedom or your job or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens but as enemies, to be met not with cooperation but with conquest; to be subjugated and mastered.

"We learn, at the last, to look at our brothers as aliens, men with whom we share a city, but not a community; men bound to us in common dwelling, but not in common effort. We learn to share only a common fear, only a common desire to retreat from each other, only a common impulse to meet disagreement with force. For all this, there are no final answers.

"Yet we know what we must do. It is to achieve true justice among our fellow citizens. The question is not what programs we should seek to enact. The question is whether we can find in our own midst and in our own hearts that leadership of humane purpose that will recognize the terrible truths of our existence.

"We must admit the vanity of our false distinctions among men and learn to find our own advancement in the search for the advancement of others. We must admit in ourselves that our own children's future cannot be built on the misfortunes of others. We must recognize that this short life can neither be ennobled or enriched by hatred or revenge.

"Our lives on this planet are too short and the work to be done too great to let this spirit flourish any longer in our land. Of course we cannot vanquish it with a program, nor with a resolution.

"But we can perhaps remember, if only for a time, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek, as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can."

If you, or anyone in the gay community or Equality Utah "family," have any additional questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to email me or call me anytime.

(06/06/2008)

We were robbed last night...the police keep calling it burglarized but it feels like robbed to me...he would have had to have had a weapon to have it be robbery but isn't him coming in our home and terrorizing our dogs and the cat enough? I barely saw him...Lauren yelled at him and asked him who the fuck he was...he broke in through the doggie door in the back of the house, which we never used because we were afraid of the cat getting out, which he did...and I called the police and all I could do was stand there and scream...and the dogs were crying and the cat was lost and his shoes were in our bedroom and Lauren's shoes were gone...and he went through her clothes and he sat on our bed...and he threw Koko's ashes on the ground as if that wasn't my dog in that beautiful pine box...like nothing...like nothing in this house had any value unless it was drugs or money...he took my purse and they found it on the street and fingerprinted the hell out of it and now it is trashed...so much for my beautiful purse that everyone complimented me on...I loved that purse...and now it is black and trashed...much like the air in the house...so we smudged and I am burning candles and incense and the windows are open but it still feels heavy here...and I am leaving and I am leaving my baby alone...even though Chad and Kellie will be here it won't be me to comfort her when she tries to close her eyes to sleep and all she can see is him...she chased him and I stood in my backyard and screamed for her...and our house is trashed...we need a new back door and a new front door and he knows where everything is...he knows what my house looks like...he knows what my underwear looks like...he knows what we look like and I hate him and I don't understand...why did this happen? What sort of a fucked up and dimented mother fucking son of a bitch loser fucking wanna be gang banger...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...how dare he? How dare he come into our home and terrorize my puppies...my wife...my cat...who finally came back but all I could do was stand at the stairs and scream...I am afraid...my sanctuary has been destroyed...there is no peace here right now...I keep looking over my shoulder...(05/06/2008)

Where are all the moderates?

Recently we had a booth at the local Republican Convention. Everyone thought we had lost our minds and frankly, I was hoping they weren't right...so there were people who asked us why we were there...people who said we had no right to be there...people who were mean and yelled...people who would walk by and read our sign, you could read their lips, they would stop mid-sentence, turn around and run...yes-run...BUT...we got over 30 new signatures for comprehensive sex ed...many people were shocked to find out who we are and what we do...we educated a TON of people and shocked the shit out of others and I am really, really glad that I didn't listen to the people that said we wouldn't be successful because we were on so many levels...and I hope and pray that this is the first of many events like this where we have the opportunity to shock the hell out of a lot of people...because, you can't argue with prevention...and that is the best part of all of this...

The sucky part you ask???? Our esteemed racist, mysoginistic, homophobic, number one evil Senator avoided a primary by 2...yes...2 votes...what is my response? We had 2 volunteers there who are both moderate republicans, neither of whom are delegates...these 2 intelligent amazing wonderful women aren't delegates...and they should be because the moderates are the ones who will make the change in the party...it is time for a change...so, no matter what your party affiliation friends, foes and loved ones...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE become a delegate in 2009...please, for the love of pete...

And thank you to those of you who support the old PP...without all of you on so many levels, we would not be making the AMAZING changes in Utah and throughout the country...
(05/04/2008)

Sometimes you spend your whole entire life trying to get something you were never meant to have in the first place, sometimes you just keep seeking it out until you realize that you weren't supposed to be looking for it at all, sometimes, a little thing like a garden gnome can help you to see that you were never theirs and you were never supposed to be and even though you tried really hard to be a good kid, you weren't ever supposed to have a daddy (04/16/2008)

Many of you have inquired about my last blog post and I am happy to report that with a little valium and some animal insurance life is back on track...well, it also helps that the legislative session is over and I passed two bills into law...that was a very nice bonus. Sometimes you just have to have a nervous breakdown now and again...I am feeling much better now...however, I am still grumbling about this Hillary thing...I just think she is the better candidate and would make a really amazing President.

A mentor and dear friend of mine died of cancer a few weeks ago. I miss her but not in the I used to talk to her all the time kind of way...more like I always knew she was there and she loved to hear my rantings and used to always say just keep causing trouble Missy you can make great change...turns out she used to do a lot of Labrynth meditation...I think I might want to try that. Thank you Julien for being such a remarkable woman that going to your wake taught me that you can know someone in one way but their life and the people in it are truly multifaceted. I am going to go off and cause some trouble now. (03/16/2008)

Breaking...

I feel like I am breaking...broken...pieces...my life has been so shattered...I found peace once and then it was shattered when Koko died and I can't figure out how to put back the pieces...there is lots of yelling and anger and frustration and I just want it to get better.

I used to feel like this all the time...like the depression would just take over and I felt so alone...like I wanted to crawl in on myself...I feel that way again and I am trying to crawl in on myself and I can't because I have this job and these responsibilities...

She is sick and I can't help her...he is sick and I can't help him...what message is the fucking universe trying to send me now? You aren't in control Missy...well no kidding...there are no accidents Missy...well no kidding...but I am tired and I am breaking and I am not sure how to stop it...

I miss the bliss and it seems so far out of my reach...what I want is for the bliss to return and for the daily routine of life to not feel like a thousand shards of glass attacking my body...

(02/28/2008)

This is why I am voting for Hillary Clinton...