I have officially lost my mind...I am yelling at my girlfriend, which I have never done. The dog pooped in the basement for the fifteen-millionth time. The other night she kept taking someones napkin off their lap. I didn't think that was very helpful. How do you explain that to someone who doesn't really like dogs in the first place. She ate my sisters girlfriends Christmas present, which included lots of lotion and bath gel and a shower scrubbie. She is a mess and I am a mess. We have collected over 60 sleeping bags for homeless youth so that is a good thing but I can't figure out how to go buy wine for my good friends because I feel like my head is exploding. And how in the hell are we going to fit them in the car? Did I mention that my heart is dead and I feel like if I was gone tomorrow everything would be easier on everyone. Now, don't go thinking I am suicidal because I am too chicken for that but I do feel like curling up in the fetal position and not waking up. Is that a bad thing?

There is too much stress at work. I do things differently, no one knows what to do with me. A donor offered to buy me a comb for my hair...I don't care that you don't like my hair...my hair is my signature...and it costs one million dollars to get it done and I use a comb every morning...just not like you think...you have to comb the aeon fluxes to get them to curl just right you know. I am a mess...S.O.S. Please send help...I think I am driving my loved ones a little batty. (12/21/06)

My dog is dying but not of anything you can see. She does not have cancer that we know of. She does not have diabetes or heart disease. Her hips are sore and she can't see as good anymore but it is her mind what is making her sick. She has doggie alzheimers. She runs into walls and eats potatoes off the counter. She doesn't remember why she is outside to pee. She doesn't remember which door she walks in or out of. We have to put her down. Lauren is devastated but doesn't talk too much about it. I just want my dog back and she isn't really even here. She hasn't been here for a long time. I don't know what I am going to do without her. She knows when I need comfort before anybody else. She has been the reason that I have even woken up some days and now she is going to be gone. What will I do without her? I can't believe that I am in the place where we are the ones that decided when she will die. Thursday after Christmas at 4:30 pm. How did I even schedule something like that? Like a nail appointment except I was sobbing uncontrollably and sitting on the kitchen floor feeling more lost than I have in a really long time.

If you were to look at her you would be like no way, she is so not ready for that, her tail is wagging, her ears still perk up. She pees on puppy pads every day. She has sad eyes. I hate this, I miss her. I am so sad. Everytime I look at her I cry. We are getting our pictures taken on Saturday and then I will try to walk her a few times more and give her some rides in the car. The chocolate is coming KokoBear, just give me a few more weeks. (12/08/06)

Frustration=my last 3 weeks:

"Let me introduce you to Missy"
"Hi, i'm Missy"
"She works for Planned Parenthood doing policy work"
(limp wrist, don't look her in the eye--AAAH LOOK AWAY)
"In Utah, oh, well good luck with that--you won't be successful here. Um, ya. Oh look, I am out of wine."

You know, here is the thing--all this time I was thinking that the word "GAY" was the biggest swear word in Utah, turns out I was wrong the words "Planned" and "Parenthood" put together are the biggest swear words in Utah.

I honestly think that people think that our "recruitment" strategy is more devious than the "homosexual agenda".

Seriously, it is not just crazy right wing people that think this. Women that I have grown up with my whole life believe this. I even read that a senator that wrote an abortion bill believes that providers perform "abortions performed just for convenience" Um, does this guy even know the definition of convenience? I am pretty sure that abortions are a lot of things but convenient isn't really one of them.

When will the majority stop exerting its will over the minority in the name of compelling social interest? Who defines compelling social interest anyway? Here is something that I think warrants compelling social interest--In Utah there are 54% more rapes reported than the national average--people experience depression at above-average rates--and there are 28% fewer ob/gyns and internists per capita compared to the average place.

Fuck the white man and his idea of compelling social interest...give me something that is really going to make a difference to my children (yes, I am going to have them no matter what laws you pass) and my grandchildren. And PLEASE stop telling me that I am not going to be successful--it just pisses me off and makes me second guess what I am doing and I like what I am doing and I like the people that I work with and I like making a difference so quit saying that we will not be successful and just throw down some cash...god knows we can always use money and you can't take it with you when you are dead. (11/28/06)

The night of the New Jersey ruling on gay marriage I was driving with Lauren to dinner. For those of you that don't know, Lauren is my partner. We have been together for over 2 years and have bought a house together. We have a very good relationship. We don't fight and if we disagree about something we talk about it. People like to be around us because we are fun and are great at talking about just about anything. We worry about paying the mortgage and who is going to do the laundry and vacum the house. We fret over the dog getting older and crazier...she pees in the house all the time now. We worry about our sisters and we share joy over watching our goddaughter getting older. We are a good couple. So, we are driving to dinner and this is what comes on the radio...

"We are very concerned about this ruling, gay and lesbian couples being able to marry presents a clear and present danger to this country."

I am sorry WHAT? A clear and present danger. I looked at Lauren and she looked at me and I said to her, "Did you just hear that?" She says, "What now we are terrorists?"

Okay, look I get that some people don't like faggots and queers. I get that to most people we are the most appalling creatures on the planet but could someone please tell me how Lauren and Missy, as a unit, present a clear and present danger to the United States of America? Currently I am sitting in my basement listening to the dryer humming away waiting for the sheets to be clean so that I can make the bed. One of the young men that I have known forever is kind enough to be helping Lauren rake and bag the leaves outside and I just washed the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. I am procrastinating writing a training and going over the board binder for my new job. I just went grocery shopping and to Costco because we were out of soap and toilet paper (we queers are hygenic folk) and I ran into one of my old college professors who recognized me and asked me what I have been up to.

Obviously I present a clear and present danger to this country. What with my chasing my goddaughter all over the grocery store trying to make her laugh so she doesn't drive her mother mad. What with my trying to decide what to feed my dinner guests (we queers eat food too). What with my checking my bank account so that I know if I have enough money to get by this week. I mean the lunacy of contributing to the economy and spending my hard earned dollars.

Seriously, I know that I have some mean looking high heeled boots and that I have been known to wear my pants a little too tight and my skirts a little too short but a terrorist? A TERRORIST? No, that is a slut, not a terrorist. A terrorist? A clear and present danger? Seriously people get a life...I have one and I live it everyday with the most patience and grace that I can possibly muster while you are insulting me with such comments as clear and present danger. (10/29/2006)

I wear your words branded on my body because I have fought my own legislative battles to give the voiceless a voice. I have watched "Iron Jawed Angels" for the one millionth time at the YWCA and wondered where all the members were for this blessed event. "Forward out of darkness, forward into light". How long must women wait for liberty? Why are women still waiting. Do women not know that there is still not an Equal Rights Amendment? Do women not know that we are still less than men? Do women not know that you were force fed and beaten and kept in prison against your will, not afforded the liberties that should have been yours as a citizen of this country all because you were a woman?

We are still kept in prisons against our will. Insurance companies still complain when those crazy feminists insist they cover contraceptives, and NO not just the pill, because it is right and they have no problem covering Viagra. Great so there are a bunch of men walking around constantly aroused but don't give a girl an IUD because that will inherently make her a slut because if you provide a woman with birth control her libido will run wild and she will lose control of her morals...my God the mayhem that would ensue. Duh insurance lobby, if you would just provide us with coverage across the board we wouldn't have to MANDATE it with legislation.

We are still kept in prisons and force fed the propaganda that we have gotten enough...women CAN vote can't they? You should be happy with just that shouldn't you? But it isn't enough if you don't exercise your right and yet a majority of women don't vote because they don't think their vote matters. Let's just do the math for a minute shall we? Women make up more than 1/2 the population so if every woman voted wouldn't things look just a tad bit different? And yet this country isn't ready for a woman president...god we can't even get someone elected in this country that has an IQ bigger than that of my lunatic cat.

I am on fire. I have stopped bitching and started a revolution but everyone knows you can't have a revolution without an army and I am getting a little bit lonely because I am still looking for my army. We ask people to volunteer for candidates that want to give women equality in all things and who know that medically accurate sex education is the best measure to keep unwanted pregnancies out of the wombs of teenage girls but people don't volunteer to walk because they have to wash their hair that day or talk on the phone with their long lost Aunt Madge. You can wash your hair after you walk and you can talk to your Auntie on your cell phone while you are walking you know.

I want Alice Paul to know that I am still here believing. I am still here giving voice to the voiceless and I am trying really, really hard to build my army. Where are you? Volunteer for your local women's political organization. The majority of the members of the League of Women Voter's is over the age of 70 and they aren't getting any younger. Help Planned Parenthood by getting your pills and getting out the vote right after that. Birth control didn't suddenly become legal overnight. Your grandmothers and mothers and their friends had to fight for it and lots of people had to die for it and it can be taken away if you don't pay attention, if you don't get out and vote.

November 7th is coming swiftly my friends. So do yourself a favor and find out what candidates the progressive organizations have endorsed. Look up those lists on their websites and walk for them if you will. If that is too much and you need to wash your hair at the very least go vote on the 7th. You can still register to vote down at your county clerks office. Didn't that famous shoe company say, "Just do it"? Just vote because regardless of whether or not you think it does--your vote counts and if every woman over the age of 18 in this country voted I think we would have less of my lunatic cat in the big white houses. (10/10/2006)

I don't know if you saw the movie Peaceful Warrior but if you haven't you should. I was told to stop my whole life to see it and I took several people back so that they could have the experience. I was going through some serious troubles with some members of my community passing judgement on me. The man who is the topic of the movie, also a fantastic book if you are a reader, wrote this about judging with compassion. I want to pass Dan Millman's words on here:

"The universe was created to teach us, not for us to judge.
Yet we judge ourselves and our world.
Those quick to judge are slow to compassion.
Those slow to compassion have forgotten that
hurtful people don't go to hell;
they are already in hell;
that is why they believe as they do--
and ultimately no one gets away with anything.
Resenting people only allows others
to live in our head rent-free.
And despite our judgements,
reality happens anyway.
So let us judge with compassion,
until we finally realize that
our primary business is not forgiving others
but asking forgiveness."

(10/7/2006)

Um, so hi again...I can't believe I am back...I have missed it ever so much!

I have started a new job, gotten engaged, bought a new house, and decided that it is time for my voice to rise from the dead!

Let me get right to it!

I am on this network that deals with youth issues and I was in this meeting today and low and behold I suggested the craziest thing (we are dealing with teenagers who are preggers and have STD's and how to lower those rates). I suggested that we have some youth members as part of this coalition and you would have thought that I had shot the President.

"Kids?" "You are kidding!" "Why would we want kids working on this coalition?" Someone actually asked me if I thought "Kellogg's had children on their Board of Directors." Right, like a coalition that is trying to combat adolescent pregnancy and stop the rise of something as beautiful as Chlamydia should include the one population in Utah that is the most affected...how could I? I mean really the audacity of including the population we are trying to help.

In Utah, children should be seen and not heard and I guess that includes children who are having something as CRAZY and unprotected sex. I mean, who wants these hormoally sex crazed adolescents as part of our coalition...it might lead to things like a real dialogue, real solutions, and an actual slowing down of the clap among our children. (09/26/2006)

Oh JOY! Lil started pre-school and she is doing just grand. She is brilliant and amazing and wowing all that know her at school. She is finally saying my name a million times a day and we have great fun together! I want her to know that the work that I do I do even more because of her. I want her to know all the freedoms of all the land and I super do hope that I can make some headway in this state so that she can grow up and become the beautiful woman that I know that she can be.

Congrats on starting school Lili Bean, you are on your way to doing great and wonderful things! (9/26/2006)